Career-Ending
Every Officer has a story about how they decided to join law enforcement. I didn’t have family that got me into the career or friends that were cops. I was working in my dad’s auto repair business one day when I heard a car crash outside. I ran to the door and saw a car flipped over in the ditch. I immediately, without hesitation, ran to the car. The lady inside was trapped and couldn’t get out. I told her to shield her face as I kicked in the passenger front window, crawled in, and cut the seat belt. I helped her get out of a potentially dangerous spot. Assisting people gave me a sense of purpose, and I knew that was what I wanted to do. Billy Jenkins, my future FTO, was the Officer who showed up to work the scene.
He was the first to ask if I ever thought about becoming a cop. That was the moment for me. After the accident, I was off work for several months—to be exact, I don’t know, but it felt like a year. One day, I woke up and decided enough was enough, and I had to try to get back to work.
I called my Director, John Hobbs, and told him I was ready. I remember him asking me if I was sure I was ready. I said yes, so he scheduled me for a review with a Choctaw Nation Psychiatrist for a fit for duty. This next part is what I want to keep you from doing.
This next part may be the decision that is my ultimate career-ending decision. I told John I was ready when I damn sure wasn’t. So, I made the trip to see the Doctor. I sat in the office with the best testifying face and demeanor I could ever have. Johnny Depp couldn’t have performed better than I did that day.
I was like most of us and thought this brain shit was a joke, and not once took it seriously. I was a strong man, a police officer who fought. I wasn’t afraid to give my life for the cause. There was no way this guy with a fancy degree would keep me from returning to my job, and he didn’t. I listened carefully and answered his questions just like he wanted me to. Lying didn’t matter to me with him. No, sir, I don’t have dreams or nightmares or have suicidal thoughts; yes, sir, I am ready to perform the duties of my job. All of this was a lie! I got released, and within days, I was back on patrol. I remember a few shifts I had to work with another officer. Here I am, acting again and following my best behavior.
Within a week or so, I was back on the job. To all my brothers and sisters, listen to me; I wasn’t ready. I struggled every shift. I remember a call that pushed me over my limit. Choctaw County was requesting assistance on a disturbance. I was en route to help, and emergency lights and sirens were activated. I reached top speeds of a whopping 60 mph. I was suffering from PTSD. This call was so similar to the call that caused the accident. I was done after this and wrote my resignation letter to John. To this day, I hate that I did that.
PTSD
Yes, I have PTSD. I'm not sure if I can say I'm a victim of PTSD, but I'm a police officer who has experienced it. In the weeks, months, and years that followed this accident, I have experienced symptoms of PTSD more times than I could count. I can't tell you what triggers my brain to cause the reaction. One story that I will tell you happened about two months or so after the accident. This symptom was the very first episode of PTSD that I know of. I had gone to Sherman, TX, with my sister and her husband. We had gone to eat dinner and stopped by the academy store to purchase a kneeboard. On our way home, we took Texas State Highway 82, traveling East toward Paris, TX. I can still show you the spot on that highway that took me back to that night. It was after dark, and up in the distance, I could see a large fire close to the road.
Without warning, my heart rate rose, I started to sweat, and I was having trouble focusing. I almost panicked; the closer we got to that location, the more I feared what was happening. My brain had emotionally taken me back to April 19th, and there was nothing I could do to escape it! I closed my eyes and tried to control myself when I heard James say, "Clearing for a fence." My brain was back, and I could look at the fire like an average person would. I'm here to tell you that nothing will mentally drain you more than an episode of PTSD. Posttraumatic stress disorder is defined as a disorder in which a person has difficulty recovering after experiencing or witnessing a terrifying event. I hate admitting I have a disorder, but as a police officer, admitting it is the key to healing! I have PTSD. This "disorder" doesn't mean my career is over or I can't work effectively as a Police Officer.
What this means is that I needed help after my accident to get back to 100%, and I wish I had taken every opportunity to get myself back to 100%. My purpose is to Help Officers understand they should accept help when offered and are not weak for needing help.
Purpose
My purpose is to help change the culture. We may be some of the stoic Americans, but God has called us to this job. We need help, and when we need help, God has given us resources to help his fighters.
Do not be afraid to ask or to get help. Reach out to me, and I will talk to you. Don't be like me, and it could ruin your career. I'm telling my story for a reason. My purpose for this story is to inspire someone to reach out to someone like me and talk. I created this page as a First Responder page to share stories about our careers. We need to find help for the ones that need it or just for us to have a place to go so that we can read other officers' stories and understand that they are not alone. Remember that The Thin Blue Line is strong, and I'm just one person trying to reach whoever needs it. Private message me, and let's talk. Thank you for taking the time to read my story, and I hope that if you need help, you don't hesitate.
Today, I travel all over Oklahoma teaching first responders. Please don't hesitate to contact me if you would like to schedule a class. The goal is to change the current culture that leads to career-ending, sometimes life-ending decisions. Reach out; you are not alone!